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TRAUMA THEORY, BY AUDREY GIDMAN


Forgive me, I have been this body.
              Forgive me, I have seen
 
                            so much. This body knows. I think
                                          I am a tree made of hands.
 
I think I can’t get empty enough to know
              what I’m dealing with.
 
                            This body is a drought of mast years.
                                          Let me begin again: here
 
is a girl kneeling. Here
              is a girl on her knees. A girl
 
                            ​on her knees in the dark.
                                          She can’t remember—a shadow
 
that disappears—she can’t remember why
              the dark scares her. She tries
 
                            for years. Owls outside the window.
                                          Birch & sycamore scratching glass.
 
Her skin a tired storm. Forgive me,
              I have seen this story a thousand times.
 
                            Forgive me, how do I write this poem
                                          differently next time?
 
The owls have gone home. But home
              is what? A body a prayer
 
                            for a clean break. A body a tired storm.
                                          Forgive me—there is no clean break.
 
War has a smell: forgive me.
              There are owls in this poem
 
                            somewhere. A girl on her knees
                                          afraid of windows.
 
The window is shut. The window is a window
              made of hands.
 
                            A body kneeling. She knows the storm
                                          by the inside of its name. She forgets
 
herself. No—forgive me—I forget
              ​what I came here to say. 




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Audrey Gidman is a queer poet living in Maine. Her poems can be found or are forthcoming in SWWIM, Wax Nine, The Inflectionist Review, The Shore, Rogue Agent, ang(st), Doubleback Review, and elsewhere. Her chapbook, body psalms, winner of the Elyse Wolf Prize, is forthcoming from Slate Roof Press. Twitter // @audreygidman
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