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WHAT'S LEFT WHEN YOU STRIP IT ALL AWAY, BY RAINA K. PUELS


when i slouch naked on my couch 
my nipples reach my bellybutton
all three pierced over a decade ago
remember being a late teen
& thinking you were an adult?

i ask a friend & we laugh 

my therapist agrees i was a child
until i was twenty-three
he talks to me about me in third-person
how does Raina feel about her sobriety?
Raina is unnumb
raw to the needle of her knowing
that not saying no
never saying no
is a violence she does to herself 

now Raina tries to be a     Good Girl 
& use her words to communicate 
Raina wants _________.
Raina doesn’t want _________.
Raina dommes herself silly 
into completing CBT worksheets
chipping away at not ever feeling     Good Enough
a core belief as rotten
as the fruit skeletons child Raina forgot
in the back of her mother’s car
hands sticky with apples & plums

when baby Raina cried for no reason
her mother would strip off her clothes
place her in the kitchen sink
run water over her belly & dimpled legs
the upset evaporating as Raina splashed

now as a     Good Adult
Raina knows she could disappear
the hurt with a spliff 
recede into the deepest pits
of dissociation’s familiar hush 
& avoid showering for weeks

but no 
Raina doesn’t do that anymore

instead she plucks
the black hairs below her bellybutton
collects them into a tidy pile
& then blows it away 
knowing she will be the one to sweep the floor



NEXT
Raina K. Puels is a queer/poly Boston-based writer, educator, and kinkster. She holds an MFA from Emerson College and reads poems for Split Lip Mag. You can find her writing published or forthcoming in The Rumpus, PANK, Dream Pop, and many other places listed her website: rainakpuels.com. Follow her on Twitter: @rainakpuels.
  • Home
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    • About
    • SUBMISSION GUIDELINES
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